Largesse

(Written for Amanda Bruton)

It is fine. Who knows what we snorted, tastes like my pool. Thank you. I like your place. It is I lived somewhere like here when I was your age. It is when I first met him. (to her husband) We are talking about you. Go get us some cigarettes. Live a little. (no answer) He is fine. It renders him speechless.

It’s not fucking lasagna. I said lasagna? Do you know what word I am talking about? Whatever it is is what it is with them with the yeah. Insert fucking word here. That is it. So many of them with the lasagna (laughs) And no, it is the right word because they got so much in common with fucking Garfield it is atrocious. And they all are as fat as the old garfield. Tell me you know who Garfield is. I don’t mean this Garfield now because I think it is his son and it lost it’s edge. Garfield had an edge. He used to be fat. He used to have books.

And what is funny is they all used to be skinny and now are fat. And they are all married to Jon Arbuckle. it would be fine if it was the…I am just going to say lasagna. Because it is the lasagna. But it is the ownership of the lasagna. And it isn’t their whatever the word is. It is not mine. It isn’t his. The difference is I know it isn’t mine. I bum cigarettes and remember names because we have fun and do a rail and piss in my shoes.

And I am not saying they don’t have money…and I am not saying they don’t know what to do with money. It is just…it used to be find someone with I don’t know whatever it used to be with cavemen but then right my mom it was go to school land meet someone in college but now it is get the degree in physics and then the mba and then that is it and they are just with their I hate to say it because saying something validates it and makes it true and it is a lie and saying it makes it true but it is always their husbands money. And they have the mba and you end up being macbeth’s fucking wife no matter what. Pulling the strings and urging and cajoling and someone is going to outlive someone and win unless you get t-boned or die on that plane like that golfer which seems so fucking stupid. That is what you get for the personal jet. His name was dumb and he wore dumb hats. I was dating a guy at the time- don’t worry he has no money but he did go to school here. and he broke down crying when he heard he died. Well, I broke down crying when JFK jr. died and we got into a fight after that so we were even.

Did macbeth’s wife do the killing or did her husband? Or did they pay someone? I just saw it. Have you seen Macbeth? They got an opera of it. In English. My son drank water out of the fountain outside the Ahmanson and had the worst fucking stomach of his life and I said don’t drink the water out of the fountain and I said, my god. Let’s go home and he wanted to stay and…he wanted to suffer. And of course I am thinking this little fuck is just like me with the victim shit. And we are standing in the wings and they got tape all over the floors for where the stuff goes and I look down and they have tape where I am standing and I liked the feeling. This is when you are supposed to ask me what my son wants to do when he grows up.

In their largesse. And doing it makes them that. In their largesse. Do you know what largesse means, honey? Just want to make sure.

Who did the thing with Emeril Legasse? They were good. They were too good. I love Emeril.. Love him love him love him. But they were too good. He is in my house making fucking bread. I walk in my kitchen and I think it is Xotchil’s husbands making a sandwich and he turns and is all, hello Allison, I am here to teach you how to make bread. Fucking Emeril. Emeril, you don’t teach me how to make bread. I teach you how to make bread, you know what I mean? He is in my house and he is a real nice guy, and he gives me this 100 year old starter for sourdough and I said what the fuck is that and he is it is 100 years old and I said the only thing in here that is 100 years old is I forget what I said but it wasn’t funny and he chortles away and he says, you have to feed it and it is 100 years old and it is priceless. I mean, he is a charmer and I ask him if I had a stroke and we are married and he says, no no no. Do you want to make bread or you want to teach me how to make bread? So he does his bread thing and makes noises and we put the bread in the oven and he is telling me about feeding the starter and I got into it and then he is all, your friends at I forget where wanted me to teach you how to make bread so you can make them some bread. With a shrug of the shoulders. And that was it. That was it.

Of course he is here for something. They listen to everything you say and put it in Salesforce and figured out the cost of getting him vs the likelihood of me coughing up money…and it hurt me, you know. It hurt me. Fucking shrug your shoulders at me. Like he is a victim,

So I said, how much do I have to pay you to never sweat on tv trying to hawk shit people don’t need. You want to own a restaurant? Let’s open a restaurant. But what the fuck are you doing? And he ho ho ho about it and says some funny shit and…It is pinocchio all grown up. Same with the spaz with the curly hair with the clothes at target and home shopping network. Another one on home shopping network. I met him. You aren’t doing what you want. You shouldn’t be here teaching me how to make bread. You should be living in an Italian village with the rest of your inbred family making handmade pasta- and I don’t mean inbred in a mean way. His collar is meant to be buttoned to the top and his hair parted and cry everyday at how beautiful the food is. You fucking over extend yourself you pick the wrong jew you fall out of love you bought a hot air balloon you killed a family and you are in my kitchen. You hawk shit to poor people and prey on their dreams selling your shit cookware which is made out of asbestos and…the man looks inbred. You have to be…and it is that point where talent comes begging to the money and the money comes begging for the talent

So he tells me his nickname in high school was rin-tin-tin. Why the fuck not. It isn’t, Emeril, They called me that in my high school yearbook. I was on the yearbook committee and I quit to try volleyball and I fucking laugh thinking of him naked and at the end of the year they listed my name as rin-tin-tin in the yearbook. So everyone thought I liked it doggy style. And i said okay, emeril. I respect that. So i say don’t be like my husband and make me put it in for you. And he is ho ho ho and he is looking at the clock so I told him he looked inbred and should live in a village and he tightened up and left and said something and that was that.

Can I give you some advice? Don’t ever say your fucking earrings are heavy. No one gives a fuck. Just say thank you. Or just don’t talk.