BALK- 2017

Written for Josh McIlvain and Ed Miller


Terry knocks on Glenn’s door. Glenn motions for Terry to come in. Terry has trouble with the door.

Both Terry and Glenn are wearing button up shirts their wives bought from Old Navy. Terry is ironed, Glenn half-ironed. Terry is carrying a six-pack.    


glenn- hey! Come on in!


terry- hello!


glenn- come on in! Hey!


terry- Am I the first one here?


glenn- no.


terry- great.  


glenn- i am here. (laughs) you are not the first nor will you be the last because that will be me since i live here. Unless i leave in the middle.  


terry- great. Oh. I am the first one here?


glenn- Sorry. Yes. you are.


terry-  said 7? Sorry if I am late.


Glenn- it is 7.


terry- I thought I would walk.


glenn- The ozone appreciates it.


terry- Is there still a ozone or we done with that?


glenn- oh, i can tell you everything you need to know about the ozone.


Terry- you work in the environment? That is important.


Glenn- no. Glenn junior is doing his science fair on the ozone. I am not allowed to use the drive through anymore. What is your son doing? Campbell doing?


Terry- Yes. Campbell. Can ants get drunk.


Glenn- now that is a question that needs answering. Can they?


Terry- they are either drunk or drowning.


Glenn- arent we all. Ms. Sullivan is really great.


Terry- she, right. Yeah.


Glenn- From Montana.


Terry- is she?


Glenn- I think so. Near Grand Tetons. (he makes the international sign for big titties) Hey, I didnt say it. (laughs)


Terry- sorry if I am early.


Glenn- no. I appreciate people who are on time. So i want to thank you. You ever meet a woman on time?


terry- no problem.


glenn- i appreciate it


terry- hey, i hate being late. So it is no big deal.  


glenn- good to have you over. Like here.


terry- Your son plays t-ball?


glenn- Glenn Junior likes to practice diving in the outfield.


terry- important skill.


glenn- I am not crazy about some of the coaches unless you are one of the coaches then you are doing a great job.


terry- no.


glenn- Glenn Junior came home and called the dog a cocksucker.


Terry- wow.


Glenn- which he might be. so but am thinking about doing an alternative t-ball league.


Terry- yeah?


Glenn-  maybe. I think so. What do you think? I dont know. Maybe not. (beat) what do you think that is?


terry- what is what?


glenn- with time.


terry- what about it.


glenn- i don’t know. What is it for you?


terry- i don’t, sorry. What?


glenn- why do we both hate it?


terry- you mean being late?


glenn- right. I hate it too.


terry- i don’t know. I mean I don’t hate it in other people.


glenn- i don’t understand.


Terry- about being on time. i only i get upset if i am late. But i don’t care if other people are late.


glenn- i don’t know if i believe you but okay. pleasure to have you over, Terry. Really, a pleasure. Please, come in.   


terry- everyone calls me TC.


glenn- Terry, can i get you a drink? Wait, sorry you just said what?


terry- that would be great. Terry is fine.  


glenn- no, what did you say. I am sorry I missed it.  


terry- i said, everyone calls me TC.


glenn- TC? What does that stand for?


terry- it is not a thing. just initials of my name.


glenn- Oh. I didn’t know if you went by tough cookie or something. right, what is your last name.


terry- candelaria.


glenn- that is so beautiful.


terry- thank you.


glenn- can you say it one more time?


terry- candelaria.


glenn- got it. I thought you said candelabra.


terry- didn’t say candelabra.


glenn- i know you didn’t.


terry- You watch baseball?


glenn- absolutely. Is there a game on? We dont have a tv.  


terry- No. Just…there was a pitcher with my last name.


glenn- baseball pitcher? What did you say your, say your last name and let me see if i can guess him.


terry- John Candelaria.


glenn- Right. John Candelabra. Sorry. He is your Dad?


terry- no.


glenn- No, i know. I know that guy. Good pitcher.  


terry- not my Dad.


glenn- Wait, is he the who got his arm amputated?


terry- no, that is someone else.


glenn- who was that.


terry- i can’t remember his name.  


glenn- guy throws a pitch and breaks his arm and then later got he got cancer in his arm and they amputated it. Fucking A.


terry- i think i know who you are talking about.

glenn- TC, do you ever order for people in restaurants? I have always wanted to go to a restaurant- never been to a restaurant!- and order for a woman I was with. It seems to turn them on if you get the order right. But what are the chances of that?


terry- what are the chances of what?  


glenn- if you tell them to tell the chef to just bring out whatever, if it is bad, you can’t send it back, right?


terry- I brought beer.


glenn- oh, that is great. You like pizza?


Terry- sure. My wife doesnt like gluten. She isnt allergic, just doesnt like it. But she will be fine. Campbell loves pizza.


Glenn- Oh, I thought she wasnt coming.  


Terry- You make pizzas? What?


Glenn- I thought she wasnt coming. She texted my wife saying she wasnt going to make it. And it turns out my wife isnt feeling well. So it is just us.


Terry- everything okay?


Glenn- with your wife? She said she wasnt going to make it. And then my wife got sick.


Terry- no. Yours. I was looking forward to meeting her.


Glenn- Yeah. She is upstairs. I no. I am sorry. I was looking forward to tonight. She is upstairs. I am sure she is fine. So you cool if we do some frozen pizzas?  


Terry- oh. Right. Yeah.


Glenn- They arent Tombstones.


Terry- fine if they are.


Glenn- Sorry. I think i just remembered my earliest memory.


Terry- really?


Glenn- showering with my father.


terry- that is nice.


glenn- i hope so. (beat) sorry. I had something strange happen and it kind of threw me for a loop. I was at a thrift store today and i found all this stuff from when i was a kid.


terry- like-


glenn- i grew up here but moved away for a long time. But i go into this thrift store and there are these books and i recognized them from when i was a kid and i open one of them and it is it has my name and address, like the sticker that says property of and it is my name and address and it really threw me for a fucking loop.  


terry- wow. Did-


glenn- so i start to look around the store and i see more books that i recognized from my parents shelf. And i kind of went into this dissociative state and i remember learning smells for the first time and the color of things and not like just dropped off everything last week at goodwill. It is great what they do for people who have drug addictions. (beat) What do you think they said they made up before the moon landing? Lot of people said they made up the moon landing. Which is a function of emotions of humans not being able to believe something, right? So what did they say they faked before?


terry- probably lot of things.


glenn- like how they staged the dropping of the atomic bombs.


terry- probably.


glenn- what do you mean probably?


terry- i am sure someone probably thinks that.


glenn- someone probably knows that. Maybe that is why they love taking pictures so fucking much. But it is the inability to emotionally accept something larger or outside of yourself?


terry- i think so. Do you have a bottle opener?


glenn- shit. My apologies. I thought they were twist-offs. That a St. Pauli girl?


terry- non-alcoholic beer.


glenn- well that is cool. I didn’t know they made them. St. Pauli.


terry- not really.


glenn- not really what? You bottle it yourself, TC?


Terry- these. not cool I mean.


Glenn- (referring to st. pauli girl) ms. sullivan! (beat) congratulations.


terry- thanks.


glenn- how long have you been sober? Are you sober? I don’t mean to ask.


terry- two weeks.


glenn- that is incredible.


terry- i appreciate you saying that but it isnt.


glenn- they i haven’t seen these before. I have seen O’douls. How is this one?


terry- it is better than the real thing.


glenn- i couldn’t do it with tasting like it but not being it, you know. what does it taste like? It tastes like beer, right?


terry- i am, yeah.


glenn- just like beer except for one essential ingredient.


terry- right.


glenn- that is a marvel. Really is. To develop a thing that tastes like a thing but is not that thing but still is but isn’t.


terry- it is a crutch.


glenn- walking wounded life isn’t easy. Mind if i try one?


terry- do you want to taste this one?


glenn- sorry. I have a thing about germs.


terry- Can we we can pour it in a glass.


glenn- did you bring your own glass too?


terry- no.


glenn- i’ll pay for the beer.


terry- don’t be ludicrous.


glenn- i forgot about that word. You just moved out, right?


terry- what?


glenn- what?


terry- i did.


glenn- i know.


Terry- that is great.


Glenn- what is? That you moved out?


Terry- no. i talk to them everyday.


glenn- yeah? That is great.


Terry- yeah.


glenn- that is great she wanted to hang out.  


Terry- okay.


Glenn- sorry, dude.


Terry- for what?


Glenn- Just tonight. Sorry my wife, yeah. Right. right. But like, yeah. How big is your place?


terry- it is a two bedroom.


glenn- oh, that is cool.


terry- yeah.


glenn- what do you have going on in the second bedroom.


terry- Campbell’s room.


glenn- got it. So not like a man cave.


terry- no. what is one of those?


glenn- i don’t know. Neon sign and yeah. Extra fridge but so your Campbell stays there?


terry- in the second bedroom. Half here half there.  


glenn- Like a pizza. What was your security deposit?


Terry- it was, whatever.


Glenn- was it like first last and security deposit? Or was it like first month free type place.


terry- first month free.


glenn- that is cool. Is there a gym?


terry- treadmills with tvs.  


glenn- pool and hot tub, yeah? Is it one of those places that you get a referral bonus if you refer someone?


terry- maybe. Probably.


glenn- let me go check on dinner. Hope you like steak. I hear you love steak. Sit down.


(glenn goes to check on dinner in the kitchen. TC leaves the beers on the ground and walks out)